Polyamor should not become a new imperative or relational mandate either

Hace unas semanas la filósofa y YouTuber española, Ayme Roman, compartió en sus redes sociales una publicación que postulaba lo siguiente: “Cuidado con invertir más tiempo en aprender cierta terminología (‘responsabilidad afectiva’, ‘anarquía relacional’, ‘horizontalidad’, ‘cuidado’) y en reflexionar sobre estas cuestiones en clave estrictamente teórica, especulativa, intelectual, más que en observar y comprender nuestras auténticas reacciones emocionales, mecanismos, tiempos e inercia. Es más responsable aprender con la piel y observar y conocer los propios límites (aunque luego se decida trabajar en superarlos), que elaborar relatos fantasiosos acerca de uno mismo o reprimir todo un espectro de emociones para parecer modernos, deconstruidos o desacomplejados(...)”.

With that publication, Roman intended -as he usually does several years ago through his videos in which he addresses themes such as mental health, the different ways of linking and the control of the women's body -, ask a question and give wayto collective analysis.To which his followers did not hesitate to answer."You just put words to something that happens too much and which is very little talked about," was one of the answers."With jealousy, a lot happens, maybe it's not so much to avoid them, but to learn to manage them," was another."The chosen relational model should be the one that makes sense and the one we can sustain, not the one we think we would like to exercise," was a third.

And what Roman poses, as the receptors of their message pointed out, is not new, but it is much that is still missing.We know that non -monogamies have a range of possibilities, but they also strip us of a story already very established and entrenched, restrictive for essence but that acted, for a long time, of script.In this evolutionary process of unlearning what we learned, we then encounter the bonds of an established paradigm, and that generates tensions.And in that coming and going, as Carolina Aspillaga, a doctor in psychology and researcher who has dedicated himself to studying emotional relationships and the concept of romantic love, also makes mistakes explains, we also make mistakes.But the idea is not to punish us for that. Ni tampoco obligarnos a calzar; “Las no monogamias tampoco debieran convertirse en un nuevo imperativo o mandato relacional, sino en una posibilidad para poder encontrar lo que a cada pareja o vínculo le hace sentido.It is important to learn, inform yourself, to be open to the idea that there may be other ways, but also know that in itself, that is not enough to say that we are deconstructed.To be, we must appropriate these situations, embody them and see if they accommodate us or not, ”he explains.“It can be ambitious or even superb that just because we know certain concepts at theoretical level we are free from the old prisons and we are deconstructed.That requires constant and continuous work. Más que verlo como un imperativo entonces, veamos qué es lo que queremos deconstruir y para qué.And let's understand that as we are part of a culture, it is impossible to completely isolate ourselves from it ”.

And, as Aspillaga explains, that the romantic love model has begun to be questionIn turn, they give way to the naturalization of wrong notions and myths such as that love is one and lasts forever - it is only an advance.

It is an advance, too, that this paradigm implies, and the costs it has had and still has for women, while justified different types of gender violence."Questioning it has been fundamental.But I also believe that after that, it is important that each one can give the time and space to find the relational model that accommodates it, taking into account the own needs and those of the link, ”he postulates.“Knowing these concepts that were not addressed before, such as non -monogamy, relational anarchy or sexual responsibility, serves us to the extent that they reveal that romantic conventional love, two and that is an eternity for which we mustfighting, it is not the only way.It is not going from one prison to another.On the other hand, knowing the concepts also does not assure us that it is not the only option, ”says Aspillaga.

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That learning, he explains, requires an emotional appropriation of these concepts and a lot of essay and error.But more than anything, knowing that it is not an imposition and that it is also key to recognize the limit itself and not force us to practice something that will imply a transgression of that limit.

For that, as the specialist explains, honesty is needed and recognizing that things are not always going to give the way we want.To this we must add self -pity and kindness;“We have to accept that in the relentuousness process we will be wrong.Do not blame or punish ours.So with the jealousy, fears and insecurities that may arise in these links.Instead of denying them, it is best to recognize them and learn from them, where they come from and what they relate, and so, when they appear, to be able to formulate the friendliest - with one and with others - to react.

As explained by the psychologist and couples therapist, Daniela Werner, in dynamic environments in which we are always thinking and rethinking our ways of being and ways of linking, the visibility of realities - and therefore the creation of new concepts that call these realities -It is a constant.“The objective is to be able to take them as an invitation to reflect on our own forms, rather than as an imposition.We would have to make these reflections as an opportunity to review our links, our ways to relate and see if they make sense or not, but feel bad for not being advanced or evolved enough, if that is the case.It is an invitation to see and interact with another possibility of being and there is key collective reflection, to be able to listen to us and see how these transitions occur ”.

These processes will never be entirely easy.And it is that the story of romantic love and monogamy have served to reinforce - and in turn have been maintained through an organization and social structuring: to the legal and economic benefits different cultural factors are also added that have configured an imaginarycollective in which monogamous couples have more place than other relational dynamics.And break that costs.The important thing, as a postulate aspillaga, is to defeat the idea that it is the only way."Be self -critical and reflect, beyond thinking that we will be able to be totally immune to cultural influence".