Fonseca, Cabas, Shakira and others... The 10 great fakers of music in Colombia

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In this propitious climate of democratic security and in search of brand new armor against insults, insults, and other arrows from his not inconsiderable army of opponents. But above all with the desperate purpose of increasing the levels of 'rating' and 'readability', according to EGM recommendations, El Blogotazo is about to commit a kind of virtual suicide, by venturing to launch and justify the following list.

The reasons to do so, however, are plenty.

That our society applauds a pleiad of musicians as mediocre and false as the ones we are about to mention is a perfect account, precisely, of how little we are in that sense. In the same way that a country deserves its leaders, the same goes for its idols.

However, and even without deserving it, many of them today have earned the approval of the industry and the satisfied smiles of locals and strangers, as well as front pages in which, without being so, they pride themselves on being the most serious publications in the country.

In the midst of a landscape so muddy and so stripped of critical voices, someone has to say it.

Responsibility shared by record companies, radio, press and television, but above all supported and sponsored by a naive public, in search of beings to admire, all the artists referred to below have certain common characteristics.

They are part of a generation of overestimated and false national pride. Very few dare to refer to them with due objectivity. And what is worse… they arouse a series of irrational and excessive passions. Thus, as a self-critical exercise and as a tribute to the right to dissent and give opinions contrary to the majority, here are, then, the 10 great music frauds in the country. Whoever disagrees with this point of view well has the space for comments to defend their arguments, in a framework of respect similar to the one we now propose. Here we go in no alphabetical or hierarchical order...

Shakira Mebarak Ripoll

Shakira

I'm running out of argument and methodology!

No one has yet been able to explain how an artist with such mediocre conditions and origins as obscure as her father's glasses – to which she paid homage on her first album – has become what she is today. .

Some music greats, like Steven Tyler, have come to disrespect themselves by inviting her along with them to desecrate stages.

Shakira is an indisputable demonstration of how much a skilled producer, image consultant and manager can do for an obedient disciple.

If only Shakira had remained the naive and honest balladeer of the early years. If only she had saved herself the trouble of intruding on other people's land. If only she had stopped posing as a rocker and imitating the ways of Jimmy Hendrix, whom she surely didn't know before. If all this had happened, perhaps the present lines would not exist.

Today the Barranquillera lives her days converted into a cosmopolitan phenomenon without equal, whose repercussions tear the veil of the musical.

Her foundations have favored her with tax breaks and have reinforced her well-to-do position as a benefactor of her native country. The official video corresponding to the anthem of the Republic of Colombia includes the choreography of ella tiop 'Hips do n't lie'. Maybe her hips don't lie, but she does.

You have to see the great advertising and cosmetic circus that are her sporadic visits to hers protected from her, or her accent, which changes from Argentine to Mexican and from Mexican to Colombian depending on the location.

Juan Esteban Aristizabal Vasquez

Juanes

To stab you whenever you want mommy!

After having undone the first years of Ekhymosis' career with that populist Spanish tune of 'love the land where you were born', 'the artist formerly known as Juan Esteban Aristizábal' changed his name, surely at the skillful suggestion of Fernán Martínez, also responsible for that mess called Enrique Iglesias.

The results, in commercial terms, were positive. A great demagogue with a hero complex and always a mercantilist, Juanes made a sudden leap from 'thrash' to Antioquia's binge, perhaps also on the advice of the latter.

In just under seven years, Juanes went from selling Colegiales de Verlón to posing on billboards around the world as the official image of Sony Ericsson. Now, enrolled in supposed humanitarian causes, Aristizábal is sold to the world as a living monument to this new Uribe jingoism and the opportunistic exaltation of folklore, with the sole purpose of appearing innovative and showing himself to humanity as a sort of mountaineer Bob Marley.

Andres Cabas

cabins

“And today the telephone is not ring – ringy my heart does not give ton – tony my steps do not have son – they are”

Another representative of opportunism embodied in mergers, this misguided offspring of one of the glories of music and advertising in the country (who for that very reason, together with Mauricio and Fonseca, should also be outlined as a strong candidate for disinheritance) could undoubtedly head the list of fakers of the show in Colombia. And we will know why.

He is a kind of indefinable drunken bastard hybrid between Lenny Kravitz and Los Corraleros de Majagual.

His terrible lyrics, his proverbial habit of arriving in unfortunate drunken conditions at interviews and concerts, and his hateful arrogance make inexplicable the success of that ex-student of the Francisco Cristancho academy whose belly volume seems to be increasing in the same proportion as his fame.

Perhaps his propensity to consume farinaceous and fatty foods may also have something to do with this sudden increase in weight. Watching him prepare the generous breakfast in the 'Bonita' video, it's hard not to imagine him in the future competing with Fonseca with some other margarine in search of a model.

Jose Gaviria

Joseph Gaviria

“I sing boleros and chucuchucu

with mint to sing”

After some attempts at relative decency with his band Doble UC, José (with an accent on the 'é' so that it sounds as it should and not as he wants it to sound) made unfortunate efforts to become a soloist, instead of applying himself in silence to architecture, in order to give the country one less reason to be ashamed of its work.

Not even Luis Fer Ochoa, with all his talent, could do much for him, and that was how this music monster (in the most monstrous and terrifying sense of the term) was able to launch himself into the ring with far-reaching sound filth such as ' Mamisonga' or 'Every time I think of you'. The response was even worse than would have been expected.

Obstinate, without having accepted once and for all that music was not his thing, José tried to act as a producer, with results not very different from his previous experiences.

Failure, once again, was immediate.

However, still not convinced of his international disrepute, some 'realities' decided to hire him to come pontificate about what he doesn't know and give advice to disoriented aspiring musicians about what he has never really known how to do. . Despite all of the above, magazines like Jet Set and Caras continue to have him among his favourites, which shows that our media know more about modeling and high society than about music.

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To our misfortune, a new album in his name can already be glimpsed on the scene.

Juan Fernando Fonseca

Fonseca

“Everyone likes it better. With toast, biscuits or with bread”

The time has come to explain what we mean by the disinheritance mentioned in previous lines.

Just as parents snubbed by the deplorable behavior of their children have the possibility of depriving them of their future inheritance in life, something similar should happen with educational entities and their bad disciples.

In this way, Berklee would be freed from the shame of having produced a musician as mediocre as the one that concerns us at this moment.

A curious mixture of opposing feelings invades us when we think of that mediocre singer-songwriter for whom fate had prepared to be the replacement for Susana Caldas Lemaitre. In particular when observing the comic, ridiculous, reprehensible and at the same time unfortunate spectacle of meeting a cachaco with a coastal complex.

Having used his surname in the same way that Cabas had done a couple of years ago is one more among the many signs of his lack of originality. Needless to say, something in his expression arouses suspicion.

Mauricio Rodriguez

Mauricio & Palodeagua

“The palm trees on the Caribbean coast

they were the inspiration of my ancestors”

One of those profane offshoots of respectable academic entities, the Modern Gymnasium should take away its graduate card, in an attempt to maintain the old-fashioned respectability that should still be the responsibility of the entity founded by the honorable Augusto Nieto Caballero.

More Bogotan than the ajiaco and the garulla combined, he belongs to a certain breed of people from the capital who think they are from the coast, and bad imitators of the great Carlos Vives, who is talented and charismatic.

Apart from not having made it clear what the hell that thing about Palodeagua is, his 'Caribbean song' and its gratuitous allusions to coasts, palm trees and beaches, accordions, guacharacas and trumpets, seem nonsense lacking in credibility, coming from the lips of a Bogotano, who still has the gall to speak of tropical vegetation as the inspiration for his ancestors.

Aware that this would win him sympathy, he decided to join alleged philanthropic projects.

Andres cepeda

“I always find the exit when I have to go”

With her 'agomelada' voice and her unwashed laughter. With his appearance as a folklorist marijuana user from a good family and his sacrilegious versions of his classic boleros, this former member of Poligamia (another local pop embarrassment) managed to become a kind of acoustic Charlie Zaa, a little less obnoxious.

Years after having declared that his love wanted to be like in Beverly Hills and aware that his bad pop rock would not take him anywhere, Cepeda then embarked on the path of paid Mamerism.

Lurching, without knowing which current to lean towards or which direction to adopt, his career has been a desperate exploration of all possible rhythms, and an eternal return to those lackluster days of Polygamy, whose poor quality is enhanced by his exaggerated accent of youngster 'play' (a word that of course El Blogotazo detests).

Julius Navarrete

Julius Nava

"I'll get really bad, I'll start crying"

There are those who say that the Fine Young Cannibals, ill-fated winners of the award for best new artist in the 1989 Grammy edition, are trying to incorporate the former member Santa Sangre into their ranks, whose sound dares of deplorable quality range from 'Maldita flor' to 'The Little Pocket'.

However, a Billboard favourite, some continue to dream that the recent cannibalism incident starring him will become the final stimulus to stop tormenting us with his abhorrent falsetto.

Natalia Hernandez Botero

Naty Botero

“You are a very tasty thing”

Her libidinous pose of an incorrigible musical nymphomaniac, like a kind of Verónica Orozco or María Conchita Alonso (quite less striking than the previous ones, yes), makes her the queen of this podium of dishonor.

Although her advanced age remains a closely guarded secret, it is clear that her lyrics are more typical of a teenager than an adult lady with her characteristics.

She is still a favorite star of Sony BMG, one more among the many clumsy and short-sighted record companies whose domains have been established in our country.

insiders

“And you may have to put up with them”

Her out of tune and her poorly achieved lyrics outline them, along with José Gaviria, as bad guys among the many bad guys that make up this list.

'A song' may be perhaps the worst moment of our music in many years, and the perfect pretext for a pack of drunk university students with bad taste to repeat their chorus ad nauseam, disturbing those who have been punished for the misfortune of having them as neighbors.

They are the paradoxical inverse case of cachacos with a coastal complex. They are Caribbean with cachaca pretensions.

Does anyone have another candidate to run or an expletive to proclaim?

The Blogotazowww.elblogotazo.comandres@elblogotazo.com